This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
