Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
