Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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