FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
