I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
