i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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