beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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