um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
