I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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