Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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