since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
