Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
