I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
