I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
