Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
