If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
