I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
