if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
