You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
