Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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