I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
