I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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