someone threw a dead crab at me
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
