she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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