FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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