Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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