dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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