If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
