Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
