You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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