I wanna passion pit in your ass
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
