A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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