chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
