we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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