my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
