After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
