You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
