You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Shame - the story of my life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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