Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
pray to the hookup gods
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
