Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
