apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
