Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
