If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
