Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
