dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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