literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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