saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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