That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
