Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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