Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
